Psycho Shadow Duel
by silver-dagger-113
Summary: This is my happy little story making fun of that happy little duel between Yami Malik and Bakura during Battle City. Watch out, Malik's ARMED! Rated for insanity


This is my happy little story making fun of that happy little duel between Yami Malik and Bakura during Battle City.

**Psycho Shadow Duel**

A chill wind blows fiercely; whipping hair wildly into faces and threatening to steal the cards form the players' hands. Purple and black clouds have gathered darkly around the two duelists, both of whom are staring intently at each other. They appear to be opposites; one has a mass of white hair and fair pale skin while the other's hair is a bit darker, his skin much more tan. Though each may appear to be the antithesis of the other, both are quite similar. For both of the two are evil…

"Prepare to enter the darkness at the hands of Ra!" the dark said, shouting to be heard above the shrieking wind.

The light only smirked. "Don't you realize I am the darkness?"

The wind blew even more ferociously, whipping the cloak around the dark one's legs. "Just you wait, Tomb Robber. Wait until I draw Ra! Then you will be begging for mercy! Begging for death! Begging for anything instead of the torment that is my wrath!" He began laughing maniacally as he took a step forward and tripped over his cloak, landing face-down on the dueling arena.

"Am I that clumsy?" a new voice inquired.

"Yes, I think you are," the tomb robber answered.

The spirit-form of Marik pouted. "Am not."

"Tch. Don't kid yourself, Marik. You're not exactly a pretty ballerina."

Indignantly: "Are you calling me ugly!"

Defensively: "And what if I am?"

"Well then you die!"

"Oh, and what are you going to do? Look at yourself! I can see right through you!"

"That doesn't mean I can't kill you!" Tan hands reached out to strangle a pale neck.

Malik stood up at the other end of the arena and disentangled himself from his long black cloak. "Ok, you two. You're arguing like an old married couple. Can we get this duel started? I'd like to defeat you both before dinner time."

Bakura looked up at the Egyptian body-snatcher through his long white bangs. "Likewise. I'm starving."

Malik smiled, then drew a card. "Then let's begin, shall we?" He put the card face down in defense mode.

"Very well then." Bakura also drew a card. "I also place my card in defense mode. Your move."

Malik started humming that song from the _Music to Duel By _cd. "It's your move and there's no backing down! The heart of the cards is where magic is found! We've played this game before, but never quite this way. It's like an all-out war, with monsters that obey! Yu-Gi-Oh! He's the King of Games. Yu-Gi-Oh! KING OF GAMES!"

"We could do without the music," Bakura said.

Marik nodded and added, "I sing much better than that!"

Malik scowled. "Fine! I don't want to sing about the stupid Pharaoh being the stupid King of Games anyway. One day, I'll be the King of Games!"

Rolling his eyes, Bakura muttered, "Yeah, yeah, whatever."

"I switch my monster to attack mode!" Malik shouted. "Attack!"

Malik's monster attacked Bakura's monster. Bakura lost 500 life points.

"What!" Marik yelled. "You didn't put it in defense mode! You fool!"

Bakura shrugged. "Life points, smife points!"

Marik sweatdropped. "Perhaps you weren't the best person to ask for help."

Bakura grinned. "Perhaps!"

Malik began laughing.

"What's so funny?" Bakura yelled.

"You!" Malik yelled back, pointing at the thief's arm.

Bakura looked down at his left arm and gasped. A section of his arm between his shoulder and his elbow had disappeared! "What's going on!" he asked.

Malik only laughed harder. "I told you!" he exclaimed. "Before we started the duel! Didn't I say the loser would be lost to the shadows for all of eternity? Or something like that…?"

Bakura flipped to the first page of the story. "Nope, not here."

"Oh. Well, I meant to say that."

"'k."

Meanwhile, in Bakura's room…

Tea awoke to find herself slumped over an empty bed.

"How did I get here?" she asked herself, looking at the unmade bed. "Where is here?" She closed her eyes and tried to think back to the last thing she remembered. "Hmmm…Flowers…Friendship…Bakura…Wait, Bakura?" She took another look around. "This is Bakura's room!"

Satisfied with the answer she had found, Tea soon discovered another problem. "Wait, but where's Bakura? He shouldn't be walking around!" She walked to the door. "I've got to tell Yugi!"

Now, telling Seto Kaiba might have been a better plan, as he owned the blimp and probably and surveillance cameras in all the halls, but Tea just liked Yugi better.

"Yugi!" Tea pounded on the duelist's door. "Yugi! YUUUUUGIIIII!"

The door slid open and a sleepy looking Yugi looked up at her from the doorway. "Tea?" he asked, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. "Tea, what are you doing here? It's late." He glanced back into the room at the illuminated numbers of the desk-side clock. The glowing green numbers read 2:15 (am). "It's early," he corrected.

"Yugi! I was just in Bakura's room! He's not there!"

"What?" Yugi asked, alarmed. "But he's not well enough to be walking around by himself! We've got to go find him!" He paused then and his eyes narrowed. "Wait, just what were you doing in Bakura's room at 2:15 in the morning?"

Tea, who could remember nothing of what she had been doing before she woke up in Bakura's room and had no idea why she had been in there, did what anyone would do. She changed the subject. "That's not important! We've got to find Bakura!" She started dragging him out of his room.

"But Tea!" Yugi protested. "Tea, I really wanna know! Why were you in there!"

Back on the duel arena…

Marik looked through Bakura's arm. "Hey, I bet you could stick your finger through it."

Bakura tried it. His finger went through the empty space in his arm. "What's keeping the bottom part of my arm from falling off?" he asked out loud.

"I bet you could pull it right off!" Marik exclaimed.

"Yeah!" Bakura shouted, looking very excited at the prospect. So he grabbed the bottom part of his left arm with his right hand…and it came right off!

"Whoa!" Marik shouted. "That's so cool!"

"Yeah, it is!" Bakura yelled, swinging his detached arm above his head.

Malik sweatdropped. "Um…You aren't supposed to be happy about the fact that you can take your arm off your body…"

"You're just jealous!" Bakura said.

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Shut up, albino-boy!"

"I am not albino!" Bakura shouted, throwing his detached arm at the evil split personality of Marik.

The arm hit Malik square in the face. "Ow!" he cried. "That hurt!"

"Duh, that was the point."

"Yeah?" Malik asked. "Well, I guess this means you surrender! Because your deck's over here…And you're over there! Ha!"

"No!" Marik said. "That's not how it works! To surrender, he has to put his hand over his deck! And that's impossible at the moment because his other hand's over here…And his deck's over there!"

Malik scowled. "Well, we can't duel anymore if he hasn't got his deck."

"It's your fault! You're the one who made his arm come off!"

"No, he's the one who actually took it off!"

"Well, you're the one who took my body! If that hadn't happened, we wouldn't be here right now!"

"Shut up, weakling!"

"No, you shut up, spiky hair!"

"…Your hair's spiky too…"

"Not as spiky as yours! It doesn't look like I stuck my finger into a toaster and got electrocuted so badly that I have a permanent bad-hair-day!"

"Well, it's not my fault either!"

"Then whose is it?"

"Kazuki Takahashi's."

"Good point."

"Umm, sorry to interrupt," Bakura interrupted. "But I have to interrupt. Can I have my arm back now?"

"No!" Marik and Malik shouted.

"Why not!"

"You threw it at me," Malik said. "You obviously don't want it anymore."

"That's right," Marik added.

"Just whose side are you on, anyway!" Bakura yelled, turning on Marik.

"Umm…The winning side?"

Bakura sighed and turned to Malik. "Arm!"

Malik started giggling. "Yes, I'm _armed_!"

Bakura sweatdropped.

"Would you like a _hand_?" Marik added, also giggling as he began to clap.

Bakura double sweatdrooped.

"Good one!" Malik called to Marik, waving the arm.

"You too!" Marik called back.

Bakura sighed again and charged Malik.

Outside the little bubble of Shadow Realm on top of the blimp…

"Tea," Yugi, who was now Yami, said. "Stay here. It could be dangerous in there."

Tea shrugged. "Ok."

Yami blinked. "What?"

"I said ok."

Yami shook his head. "No, aren't you going to try to persuade me to let you come with me, saying something about how friends don't let friends face psychos alone? Or something?"

Tea blinked. "Look, Yami, I may be ditzy a lot of the time, but I'm not stupid."

Yami sweatdropped. "Ok then, Suite yourself."

"I do dress myself," Tea said, nodding her head. "Wanna hear all the stores I shop at?"

Yami shook his head. "No thanks."

"Of course you do!" Tea said, seeming not to hear him. "Old Navy, the Gap…"

Yami fell down anime style.

Back to the Shadow Duel…

The tomb robber flew through the air, hitting his opponent square in the chest. Malik went flying backwards, waving his arms like some crazy fan at a Disturbed concert. Bakura's detached arm went flying to land on the edge of the dueling platform…inches away from falling miles through the air and splattering on the pavement below. Or some random guy's head. Because that'd just be really funny…

Random Dream Sequence:

Bakura's detached arm teeters on the edge of the blimp. Bakura gets up and runs for it in slow-motion, yelling "NOOOOOOOOO!" in an extremely low and slow voice.

The arm falls off the blimp.

"Crap!" Bakura mumbles, watching his arm fall through the dark night sky.

The arm falls, picking up speed as it does so. On the streets of Domino, far below the dueling blimp, some random dude was taking a leisurely stroll.

Random Dude looks up, suddenly hearing a whistling sound that is steadily getting louder by the second. He sees a shape falling towards him.

"Crap," Random Dude mutters as the falling arm hits him in the head, rendering him unconscious.

A guy on a fat little pony rides by and steals his wallet.

End Random Dream Sequence.

"Well, that was interesting," Bakura said, talking about the random dream sequence as he got off of his dueling rival.

"Quite," Malik agreed, sitting up. Both saw the arm at exactly the same moment. Both lunged for it.

"I got it!" Marik, who decided to join the fun, yelled, grabbing the arm. However, he forgot that he was only a mere spirit in form and wasn't able to actually grab the arm. "Crap," he muttered.

The struggling opponents were able to grab the arm though. Both reached the arm at exactly the same time, and both grabbed opposite ends.

"Leggo!" Malik yelled, grabbing onto the detached arm's hand.

"It's _my_ arm!" Bakura yelled back, pulling on the other end.

"But we wantssss it!" Malik hissed.

Bakura paused and sweatdropped. "We?"

Malik, taking advantage of the tomb robber's confusion, pulled the arm from the thief's grasp. "Yup! Me, Myself, and I!" He flashed a quick grin, a grin that many might call homicidal, but to Bakura it only looked like your plain, average, friendly grin, and ran off with the arm.

The tomb robber stopped. "Did he just steal my arm?"

Marik nodded. "Yup, I think so."

Bakura sighed. "I suppose I should go after him."

"It would be a good idea."

Bakura sighed again, then ran off.

Outside the happy bubble of Shadow Realmness…

"Aeropastle, Sears…"

Yami sighed. Ra, how that girl could talk. And shop, apparently.

"HAHAHA! I'm ARMED!"

Yami blinked. "Umm…Tea? Did Yami Malik just run by waving an arm?"

"Yeah…" Tea nodded.

"GET BACK HERE! I'M THE THEIF! DON'T STEAL FROM THE THEIF!"

Sweatdrop. "Um, Tea? Did a one-armed Bakura just run by?"

"Yeah…"

Down into the blimp the two ran, past empty rooms and halls. At one point, they ran by Yugi's group of friends, all who stopped and stared. Duke threw some of his dice at Malik, who tripped. The arm went flying from his grasp.

Kaiba, who had come to tell everyone to shut up and stop being so happy, looked down. An arm with a duel disk on it was at his feet. He opened his mouth to ask what the hell was going on, then stopped, realizing that he in fact did not want to know. He kicked the arm to Bakura and walked back to his room, where he could have his mental breakdown in private.

Bakura picked up his arm and stuck it back on his shoulder. "Lovely!" he exclaimed. He then proceeded to punch Malik in the face, before hitting him over the head with his duel disk. Then he went back to his room and had a cup of tea. Why? Well because Ryou had been bugging him for one throughout the whole duel.

After Battle City, many people needed psychological help.

The End!


End file.
